By the Grace of God …


Thank you, Katy for sharing your pain and your resolution …

“By The Grace Of God”

Was 27 surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn’t sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron mountain
Running on empty so out of gas

Thought I wasn’t enough
Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymore

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth’ll set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out, oh, that way,
No, that way, no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love
That way, no,
That way, no
I am not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way.
– Katy Perry, By the Grace of God, PRISM

This is my song right now … but I have to thank my family for keeping my head above the water … when you lose something so important in your life … you become instantly lost and hope fades quickly like the setting sun; however, when you have people in your life who you know love you and understand what you’re going through … you will get that hope back.

If you’re going through it … pick up Katy’s new album — trust me, you’ll find some release there … I have never fallen in love with any album so quick as I have with this one.  Every song has purpose and takes you through her journey — the same journey many of us have been on.

No, I don’t work for Katy, but I know passion, truth and perseverance when I see and hear it.

Life has been hard for the past few weeks after losing one of the most important things to me … but it will take time and I will never be over losing my baby, Nica. Never.

Life is so much more than what we are seeing right now …

I will be back on a regular basis now that I’ve found my way again.  Thanks to all of you who’ve emailed, texted, called to check up on me … your kindness shows that humanity is not as far gone as some believe.

I send you my love and peace …



These children are our children


Photo from Newtown Bee

I’ve had an entire evening to process the events of yesterday and everything is still a blur.

I’m still numb this morning – awake way earlier than normal and I would be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to speak about the events at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT yesterday.  It seems so simple to me: life is fragile and precious – why can’t the human race get that? Understand that? Know that? Feel that? Experience that? I’m so shaken by all of this death as of late.

Young children wait outside Sandy Hook Elementary School after a shooting in Newtown

Photo from Reuters News

The idea of life being precious escapes many in our world today, mainly those who have no conscience — whether it be the gunman yesterday at Sandy Hook Elementary School or “leaders” like President Bashar Hafez al-Assad in Syria who has waged a war against his own people — human beings — for the sake of remaining in power when the people want him out … violence has become the answer to anger, rage, fame and fear — and you know the gates of hell are wide open when another human being – mental or not – can go into a school and massacre five-year-olds for no acceptable, explainable reason.


It’s interesting how the world reacts in different ways to tragedies like these … in countries where life is valued — people react with horror and grief; in countries where life is not valued — things move forward without a single thought and the next stage of violence is set into motion.  I don’t think most civilised nations know how to act when senseless tragedies such as this occur … because we cannot fathom it nor can we quantify it.

Image: Obama wipes a tear

And then there’s President Obama.  No matter what your political ties might be … President Obama spoke with absolute sincerity and conviction about our tragedy in Connecticut yesterday. His tears, emotional sighs and sometimes wavering voice represented the shock and grief … “Our hearts are broken today … These children are our children.”

I think he summed it up … “these children are our children” — in short: When human beings on this planet begin to see every child as their own and let’s that sink in — violence, as we know it at this juncture in time, would cease to exist.

My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to everyone in Newtown, CT … especially to those families who will never again be able to see, hug and whisper, “I love you” to their loved ones.

Godspeed to all those whose souls were taken from all of us yesterday. And may God’s angels bring comfort to those left behind. 😦

And I’ve no heart to write anything else today.



Days like this I want to drive away…

Music. If you’ve not figured it out yet, is a major part of my life and well lyrics speak to me constantly – as if some songs were written just for me.  Like Katy Perry’s song, Part of Me, really resonates with me on some days and it’s really thumped in my head more lately.

There are two parts of the lyrics that really stand out for me: Days like this I want to drive away – Pack my bags and watch your shadow fade …  I just wanna throw my phone away – Find out who is really there for me… I’ve often wondered if you reach a point where disappointment is truly heartbreaking … so overwhelming that you really want to do something as radical as what these lyrics suggest.  Sometimes you just wish you actually could do just that … drive away and throw away your phone  … see what would actually happen.

I even alluded to it several posts ago when I had been listening to John Mayer’s music non-stop and had bonded with Heartbreak Warfare with the single line … Disappointment has a name, it’s heartbreak warfare.  I think, perhaps, I was attempting to avoid the inevitable … me walking away from people within my life whether it be friends or sadly enough – family.

I’m always happy when someone has the genius to turn a literary work I love into a Broadway hit like Wicked because one of my favourite songs of all times comes from that musical and it’s the moment in the play when Elphaba makes the decision to succumb to the pain and heartbreak she has been put through and live her life handing out nothing but misery. The song, Defying Gravity, pretty much sums up why she makes the choice she makes …

Something has changed within me – something is not the same … I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game … It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap … It’s time to try defying gravity, I think I’ll try defying gravity and you can’t pull me down … I’m through accepting limits – cause someone says they’re so … some things I cannot change but ’til I try,  I’ll never know — too long I’ve been afraid of losing love I guess I’ve lost … well, if that’s love – it comes at too high a cost … kiss me goodbye, I’m defying gravity and you can’t hold me down … – Elphaba Thropp, The Wicked Witch of the West

I think music has reminded me, lately, that no matter how hard you may try, sometimes you cannot avoid disappointment.  You can do a lot of things when faced with disappointment … you can ‘run away’, be miserable or ‘walk away’ … and for me, I’ve reached that point where I have to just ‘walk away’ from people who, on a regular, on-going basis, disappoint me with promises or their actions.  I’m just not willing to be disappointed, hurt or sad any more.  I’m not even sure an apology or a huge effort will change my mind at this moment in time. 😦

And I have a request … if you pray – could you pray for my ‘child’ – Nica, I’d really and truly appreciate it.  I didn’t realise that she had been eating paper until I discovered her munching down on a napkin on Monday and now, she’s bloated and we’re playing this waiting game of ‘will her body digest it’ or not. She doesn’t seem to be in any pain or discomfort — perhaps, it’s just me being upset about it.

And of course, I made the biggest mistake by going online and searching for ‘what happens if a dog eats paper’ … Needless to say, I’m upset by what I’ve read and I should have known better, but … 😦  I’m hopeful that the pumpkin, extra water and frequent walks will help her digest it and expel it.  At this point, she can poop all over my house and I’ll be perfectly willing to deal with it.

So much on my mind … but I do hope that everyone’s week is going well.