Probably too long. Needless to say, I am back and I think for a long time. So many things happened in 2011 and 2012. I’m not going to rehash it here, but I will just say that if one can have a life crisis — I can verify that I’ve been having one since the start of 2011. I believe that I’m usually a happy-go-lucky individual and I think that I’ve used that persona to cover up so much of what I’ve experienced within my life since Little Rob’s death … I can tell you that I’ve been numb for a very, very long time — and I think Professor Dumbledore sums it up quite well … don’t you?
And I’m here to tell you that you can only fake it for so long … eventually something breaks down to where it feels like you’re heading to the point of no return. I let my life, outside of work, fall apart completely. The few delights I had in my life — I let them all go because I was told that I couldn’t afford them. If you’re reading this and you’re being told to give things up you love because you cannot afford them … let me be the first person to tell you — you can not afford to give up the precious few things you love in your life — because without them, you deny yourself the type of happiness that is self-afforded — the most important kind of happiness.
So, here I am – trying to get my happiness back. I’m not there yet, but I will be there. One of the most important things I’m learning in therapy is to shut out any and all negativity that surrounds me — if it’s external or internal. In my entire life, I’ve been more negative in the past 18 months than at any other point in my life and it has affected me greatly … emotionally, mentally and physically. So, I’m working on how to walk away — when I can — from people who are nothing but a ball of negative energy. And of course, when I can’t walk away from them because of circumstance, I’m going to build a wall around myself and limit my contact with them as much as possible. Don’t misunderstand me, I freely went down that road and allowed myself to be an ugly person — and I’m not willing to be that person any more. So, part of removing negativity from my life is to walk away from people who suck the happiness out of me.
Thus, my return to blogging. Here I can scribble out my thoughts, feelings, ideas and share all of the things that make me happy … thus be prepared to see pictures of Range Rovers, food, Florida State anything, interior design, people, animals – Jack Russell Terriers, in particular — and lots and lots and lots of stuff that just makes ME happy. Me, me, me, me … sometimes, you have to just become SELFISH in order to recover from being on the outskirts of hell.
Words have power to heal and that’s what I’m going to do – scribble, scribble right here in MY blog … and in the process – heal myself from top-to-bottom. And one of my new ideas is … if you don’t like anything about me or what I have to say — feel free to walk away at any time — because sometimes you just have to say how you’re feeling and if it pisses people off — oh, well. Deal with it.
So, here’s to my quest for returning to the Bryce that I can love and hopefully others will love more or will learn to love again. 🙂 I’m so ready for this — and I’m not letting anyone take it away from me!
Here’s to a great week! 🙂